We’ve all been there; first day on the job. Your excited, you have butterflies and a list of things you’re going to buy with your first paycheck. As a woman who has just completed her second year at work I feel like I may have some words of wisdom that I would like to pass on to you young women.
1. The more effort you put in your appearance the first few weeks, the uglier you’ll look at the end of the year when you give up. And you will give up.
2. When (notice I said when, not if) you end up crying, make it quick and brief and preferably in the bathroom or the parking lot. If it happens in a meeting do what my friend does, prop your elbow on the table and place your chin in your hand, then use two fingers to hold up your quivering lip. It will look like you’re concentrating so hard on the meeting that tears are coming out of your eyes.
3. Don’t develop a crush on your coworker or your boss, it won’t end well. Unless he looks like James Franco in a leather jacket. It still won’t end well but I mean it would be a crime not to try.
When the time comes, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Whether someone else took credit for something you did or you were asked to do more work than you should, you hold your head up high, prepare your defense, and walk into your manager’s office with strength and dignity and then cry until you get what you want. Feel free to reach across the desk and pull his shirt sleeve to your nose and blow if you need to, but woman don’t you dare walk out that office until you’ve gotten what you deserve.
5. Don’t gossip about your co-workers, it will reach them. Feel free however to anonymously tweet or blog about them.
6. Save your money. You will be tempted to spend every penny but one day you might find yourself without a job (probably because you dramatically resigned and told your boss where he could stick his head before shouting I SAID GOOD DAY to HR department as you stormed out) and then you’ll regret spending your entire paycheck every single time.
7. Don’t try so hard to please everyone. Be yourself and aim for respect instead. It’ll last longer. If that doesn’t work then let them fear you (try things like talking to yourself or the wall, or ask them if the cafeteria serves raw meat soaked in human blood because you haven’t eaten in days.)
8. Finally, and most importantly, don’t stalk the James Franco look alike….by yourself. Call me, I’ll stalk him with you.